Anyone who has attended a festival has experienced the joy that is the port-o-john. You just never know what you are going to find with each visit. In most cases they provide the only bathroom option at the festival. Over the course of a multiple day festival, you will become very familiar with these glorified outhouses. Here’s a few tips to help make your next experience as pleasurable as possible.

1. BRING YOUR OWN TOILET PAPER

It never seems to be there when you need it so come prepared with your own roll. Keep it in a ziploc bag and throw it in your festival backpack. The ziploc will keep it from unrolling and fraying while in your backpack and also help keep it clean. Even if you are lucky enough to find a john that is stocked with paper, you might prefer your own over the sandpaper based port-o-john brand t.p. Don’t resort to having to use your underwear. Be prepared.

2. ARM YOURSELF WITH HAND SANITIZER

Despite the newer johns providing it for you, have some of your own. Few festivals offer hand washing stations so do your part to keep your hands clean and free of germs. Make sure your sanitizer is anti-bacterial which will provide a little more protection.

3. DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!

Try to avoid touching common surfaces. While some surfaces such as the toilet seat go without saying, there are others you should avoid as well. Perhaps the biggest is the door handle. Despite using hand sanitizer and how clean you might be, don’t assume the person or thousands of people who were in there before you are as clean and hygienic. Use a little toilet paper between your hand and the door handle or your shirt when opening the door.

4. GET A HEADLAMP

At night, port-o-johns can become a very dark and scary place and that is the last place you want to be where you can’t see anything. A headlamp provides hands free lighting so you can use your hands for you other business. If you don’t have a headlamp, get one. Its uses are limitless.

5. EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Or in this case, the early bird gets a clean port-o-john. Most festivals will empty and clean the johns overnight so the morning is the best time to do your business. Conversely, later in the day many of them are dirty, filled to capacity, smell, and likely will have no paper available. Get it out of the way early in the morning.You will be glad you did.

6. GUYS: USE THE URINAL

That’s why it is there. As good as you think your aim is, it is much easier and cleaner to use the urinal. Help keep the seat clean for the ladies who have to sit every time. For the times that you will have to sit, you will be happy to be on a clean, dry seat. Do your part to keep it clean.

7. GO A LITTLE OUT OF YOUR WAY

Often times you will find people will go to the nearest john and wait in line while available johns are a short walk away. This happens all the time. There may be a string of 100 johns and most of the people are in line at the ones nearest to the entrance while many in the back are open. Don’t follow the herd. Take a few extra steps and chances are you will find an open john. Also, check your festival map for john locations that are in areas less traveled. They will have shorter lines and are often clean and stocked.

8. THE “IN USE” TRICK

I found out this little gem at Festival 8. We all know that if the display on the door is green you are good to go, and if it is red it is in use. But what about those that have both colors visible? Most people would assume that it is in use. It is not always the case. A female festival-goer revealed to me that some of the multi-color displayed locks are purposely set that way to discourage others from using them. It is possible to unlock the door ever so slightly to enable you to exit yet maintain the appearance on the display that it is in use. Therefore, less people will use these johns. When one of these johns was pointed out to me at Festival 8, I was pleasantly surprised to find the inside in pristine condition with 4 rolls of toilet paper despite being the 3rd day of the fest. Don’t assume this is always the case and please knock before you open any door in question.

9. NEVER LOOK IN THE HOLE

We’ve all done it and lived to regret it. There is nothing down there worth seeing. Avoid the temptation. You are better off not knowing.

Hope this helps make your next trip to the john as pleasurable as can be.